Big Stu's "Why the FUCK haven't you seen these" list (HORROR EDITION)!!
Hello, all. It's your boy, Big Stu, here pondering the thing I love most in the world (next to my family and Clemson football and good Scotch, of course): movies. Last night I spent a very drunk evening hanging out with 2 of my favorite people, Sam and Anthony. You see, Anthony had never seen "Blazing Saddles". This had to be rectified. If you want my thoughts on the sheer importance of this movie then see my previous post "This movie hath slain racism......"
I brought a bottle of Laphroaig, a bag of essentials for crashing (NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE), and 3 movies: "Blazing Saddles", "Return of the Living Dead" & "Bad Taste". All 3 were hits in the truest sense of the word, and all 3 were new to the crowd (with the exception of Sam having seen "Blazing Saddles" before).
Very few things give me the satisfaction of introducing someone to a great movie that they have never heard of (let alone seen) before. It's in this vein of giving that I bring you a list of movies that you've (hopefully) never heard of or seen, complete with a one or two sentence synopsis. Here we go with the biggies, i.e. the obvious ones:
- Dawn of the Dead (1978): Greatest zombie film ever made. Period. Your argument is invalid. (see also Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead, and Land of the Dead)
- Evil Dead: The definition of balls-out scary on a shoestring budget. Birthed a demigod in Bruce Campbell (see also Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Army of Darkness, & Evil Dead (The Series).
- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: There are still people who avoid Texas because of this movie.
- Nightmare on Elm Street: Do I need to explain this? DON'T FALL ASLEEP!! (see the whole series)
- Return of the Living Dead: The most fun you can have with zombies (see also #'s 2 & 3).
- Friday the 13th Part 4: It's easily the best of the series (see all the others, duh).
- The Blair Witch Project: Yep. I said it. This movie turned $60,000 into $240.5 million and birthed a whole new genre. Give respect, you heathens.
- Phantasm: The Tall Man genuinely gave me nightmares when nothing else could. It's the most unique horror series ever (see all the others; can't fucking wait for #5).
- The Devil's Rejects: When a movie has you convinced you're going to Hell for watching it you should watch it twice. It's that good. But do watch "House of 1000 Corpses" for setup.
- Child's Play: Dolls weren't really scary until this came out. I burned my Teddy Ruxpin. I'm not kidding.
- The Exorcist: The Godfather of horror films and the most genuinely frightening movie ever made. Still the highest grossing horror film of all time. Also the only one to have priests at the opening to bless the theater. Terrrifying. I pissed my bed after I watched it......at 8 or 9 years old.
- Hellraiser: An unmatched experience in film and in print. Pinhead and the Cenobytes scare Satan. Clive Barker is out of his fucking mind.
- Stephen King's "It": Sure, the book is better. Way better. But Tim Curry alone made an entire generation scared to death of clowns. And sewers. And balloons.
- The Shining: Explanation not necessary. If you haven't seen it then slap the shit out of yourself and go pick up a copy immediately.
- Halloween: The slasher that started them all. Funny thing is that it's not even all that violent or gory, but the imagination is a great killer. And that score.....
Now we get into the stuff that a lot less of you have heard of. I mean, let's face it: everyone knows who Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Chucky, Pinhead, and Ash are. But I've got some more for ya!!
- Sleepaway Camp: It's like an extremely well done knockoff of Friday the 13th until you get to the end and then.......strap the fuck in for one hell of an ending. The sequels are great fun; the original is legendary.
- Bad Taste/Dead Alive/Meet the Feebles: For all you L.O.T.R. lovers out there (guilty!) you should know that Peter Jackson made horror before he went fantasy and it is fucking gross and corny and beautiful. Yes, I listed his first 3 at one time....it's my fucking list.
- Cannibal Ferox/Cannibal Holocaust: If you don't know about the "Italian Cannibal" sub-genre then you should. Bad dialogue, truly offensive imagery and flesh eating. The Italians don't fuck around. Eli Roth's ("The Green Inferno") major influence.
- Grindhouse (Planet Terror/Death Proof): A double bill of Rodriguez and Tarantino madness, complete with amazing fake movie trailers in between. Epic.
- The Toxic Avenger: It's the homegrown indie that solidified America's oldest independent movie studio. It's the textbook definition of "so bad it's good" (see most of the Troma Studios library, if you have the stomach and the patience).
- Cube: Sci-Fi meets horror in a classic locked-room mystery. Total mindfuck (check out the sequel and the prequel; they flesh out the story).
- Demons 1 & 2 (by Lamberto Bava): Italy's Evil Dead. It's that good.
- Ghost Story (by Peter Straub): An amazing book and a better movie. It's a subtle and classic ghost tale and that's not just a lost art. It's dead.
- Pet Sematary: In my not-so-humble opinion it's still the only Stephen King movie that's BETTER than the book. Bold words, but true (the sequel is a lot of cheesy fun, too).
- The Hills Have Eyes (remake, 2006): Nothing against the original. It's just fine, but the remake is superior.
- The Thing: Another remake that far surpassed the original. Rob Bottin's SFX literally broke the fucking mold on what you could in a movie. Atmospheric and paranoid.
- The Fly (1986): Jeff Goldblum's best performance ever. Another remake that slays the original.....and that is saying something since the original had Vincent Price.
- Salem's Lot (miniseries, 1979): My top bill for vampire horror. It gets no better.
I'll leave you horror nuts with that for now. I know I have forgotten quite a few. I have, quite literally, seen 90% of the horror that's out there so cut me some fucking slack. Those are just my "go-to" movies. I hope y'all dig up at least one of them....you know, for your boy, Big Stu.